Happy Early Birthday, Love

For many years, I have dreaded my birthday. When I was younger, yes I had fun birthday celebrations with my friends and family, and there were wrapped gifts, decorations and lots of Brazilian food and sugary goodness. Once I came into my late teen / adult years, it wasn't the same. My family and I disagreed on a lot of things when it came to my life, and from there I just decided to forge my own path and be my own person with or without their support. I still lived with them, for a very very long time, but we were more like roommates than a family, and that has left a mark on me. Perhaps even a void, where the love and family bonding memories should go. I've often thought about this and how it comes with me, getting in the way of my relationships. I used to long for something that a romantic partner is not meant to fulfill. Now a days, I am still trying to connect with my family on a deeper level, and I am slightly jealous of all the happy families, pictures of siblings and what not, expressing love for each other, celebrating birthdays and life in general that I see around me or on social media. Sometimes I wish I had that growing up, but then, maybe I wouldn't have such a complex fun and beautiful life story of my own if everything was so full of love with little to no challenges.

On a lighter note, this year has been my ultimate favorite. It's not even my birthday yet, and I've received so many gifts, so much love and I've been enjoying every day to the fullest. I wouldn't say things are perfect, but I see everything perfectly and I am mighty proud of myself for having the emotional stability and mental clarity to choose to react in a way that is good for me, my environment, the people within it and still continue to move towards my achieving my goals.

The truth is, I am used to getting what I want. I visualize it, make plans, execute those plans and work my ass off to get it. Now imagine how disappointing it is when I do all of this and still don't get it... The funny thing is that when I don't get what I want, it's because there is something better. I don't always want what is good for me, and strive to do my best to pay attention and focus on what truly matters and is in alignment with my values and goals. 

I've wanted many things in my life, to be many things from a doctor to a stripper and even a "promiscuous girl" lol but yea I've thought about and wanted to try many options. I would have high hopes and dreams of becoming a renowned public figure or anything of the likes after doing something extraordinary, and tell my friends, family and other people who most of them laughed, thought very little of it and never really supported me nor took me seriously. That left me with low confidence and little to no moral support. I got into the habit of starting things and not finishing them for frivolous reasons. I guess deep down I didn't really know what or who I really want to be. Now, I like who I am and where I am in life. I would like to feel more settled in my life and become an expert on something... furthering my education is definitely in the works. 

A while back I came across a word, polymath: a person of wide-ranging knowledge or learning. I like that word and plan to continue to work and learn more in order to be recognized as such a person. I guess right now I consider myself a multipotentialite: a person who has many different interests and creative pursuits in life. 

When it comes to love and relationships, that's where it gets rough. I don't even know where to begin. The first time I fell in love seems like a good place. It was wonderful, and I will cherish it forever. The second time, or what I call the second time, made me realize that conditional love is not the same as my idea and understanding of love. The third time, which is what I think I am in right now, is pretty amazing because it is not fixated on a person, although I do have "love interests" but the main person in all of this is myself. I joke around that I am "the one" and say that I am in a deeply committed loving relationship with myself. I even went as far as joking around about marrying myself with a full bridal gown, wedding and everything lol. Regardless of all that silliness, I still desire for love, unconditional love. I do wish for it, but I do it in a unique way. I know myself well, my flaws, weaknesses and how I act when I'm into someone. In the past I have mistaken my feelings of interest and a desire to get to know someone as utter infatuation, claiming it to be love or the beginning of it... let me backtrack to make some sense out of all this.

I identify as a demisexual and sapiosexual, so being attracted to someone in the first place is rare. I've been called a prude, and even thought to be a lesbian, but neither of those truly define me, nor bother me to be honest. I have never been in love with a girl, but I am also not opposed to it. All people I have been sexually attracted to thus far are males. I would say men, but I have a small collection of boys in my past, which I am no longer embarrassed to admit. Surprisingly, most of them have grown into men and I hope the same for the rest. Now, back to my identification as a demisexual. Let me define that word: a person who only feels sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with someone. Now the prefix 'demi' means half, which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual. This could be why some call me prude or bi-curious, but I care more about having the chance to get to know and be with whomever I feel that emotional bond with, especially if that person also happens to be smart, good-looking and has similar goals/values. I know that it's hard enough finding love in this century, now add on my restricted ability to even be attracted to someone and guess the odds of me finding someone.

Looking on the positive side of things, that someone could easily find me instead. It still seems like a one in a million chance, or more. Pretty much the same odds as me winning the lottery. However, I do strongly feel that I will win the lottery in my near future. A few decades ago I would say simply "in the future" but now it seems closer than ever. Especially since I have a deeper understanding of things, and know that it could mean that I really win money, or unite with my twin flame, fall in love with a soul mate, realize my dreams or achieve all my goals. In reading what I am writing right now in this moment, it seems what "winning the lottery" means to me is experiencing a feeling, something close to being self-actualized mixed in with the gratification of getting something I strongly desire.

So inconclusion to this "backtracking" and getting back to my desire for unconditional love, I have decided to be one with love. If I act in love, speak with love, and embody love, then I will succeed. Not necessarily by uniting with my twin flame, but in giving and receiving love in a beautiful balance of redamancy (the act of loving the one who loves you, a love returned in full). In a world filled with busy hard-working beautiful and strong people, striving for monetary success, power and respect, here I am so in love with love, wanting to become love in hopes to love more and be loved in return.

Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgement and decision. ~Erich Fromm